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Watching high performing athletes makes me reflective about the athletes’ degree of intense effort and persistence to go after goals. I’m always touched to see the outpouring of emotion throughout – especially if there are medal ceremonies.

Yet how many of you have been told to never display such emotion? To do so would mean that you were weak. Think about it – did you ever try to stop feeling something you felt in the moment . . . especially when you felt tearful . . . because you didn’t want to appear “weak”?

Just what is emotional weakness? Even more importantly, what is emotional strength? Many people continue to believe that emotional strength means controlling, “shutting down” or “shutting out” feelings. Is this your idea too? Perhaps you know people who do their absolute best not to show emotion or cry even in situations that call for it – mostly because showing emotion can leave people feeling more vulnerable and less emotionally strong.

Oddly, when you distract yourself from what you experience, you actually disconnect from the emotions designed to help you protect yourself and that are also designed for connecting with others. A common example involves a woman who feels threatened and who feels very angry and upset about it, yet she pushes away her experience of threat and her angry feelings. Unfortunately, the very emotion that is available to help protect her (anger), she shut down – so she doesn’t stand up for herself or fight back (if appropriate), nor does she reach out for help from others. The feelings designed to help her protect herself are now not available to her.

Consider emotional weakness anything you think or do to push down (e.g., holding your breath to keep a feeling from ‘coming up’), disconnect or distract from feeling what you feel. Possibilities include denying, discounting, doubting, avoiding, addictive behaviors (alcohol, drugs and overeating are the most obvious) or any other behavior that allows you to ‘check out’ and “not know what you know”. If you consistently engage in these behaviors, you are headed down an unhealthy path.

The great news? There is a clear path to developing “core emotional strength” – the centerpiece of my Emotional Mastery^® approach. It is the path of awareness and aliveness. Remarkably, it is the same path to living an inspired and inspiring life.

The first step in the path is to “know what you know”. Emotional strength develops out of your openness and willingness to tolerate, face, bear and know as much of your moment-to-moment experience as possible.  Being vulnerable, fully present, authentic, genuine.  Living your truth.

You can start down this path by moving toward your experience rather than away from it. It is easier and simpler than you can imagine. Let’s begin with the most basic step. For now, just start by noticing whether you back away, distract or disconnect from your experience when you think, feel or sense something unpleasant or uncomfortable. Then, take a few slow deep breaths and let yourself be aware of whatever it was that made you uncomfortable. Increase your awareness . . . that is all to do for now.

Tell me how you developed your ideas about emotional strength and weakness.  Do you think it’s possible to be emotionally vulnerable and still exude emotional strength? What do you do?  Do you “know what you know” or “try not to know what you know”?

What do you do?   Eager to hear from you, so let me know your thoughts or questions.

There will never be a moment of your life that will repeat and you can never fully re-experience a moment that you have already lived. So life is really about change.

Life is about solving the various challenges and problems you are faced with on a daily basis – – it is much more about handling the constancy of change, rather than the constancy of routine.  Generally, you are lucky when things remain stable and predictable over long periods of time.

Usually most people seek stability in their lives. No doubt you find that the predictability and consistency of your routine helps you feel safer and more secure in the world.

Having stability and predictability in your life is great – – but I’d like you to expand your focus.

Think about establishing enough order and routine in your life that you experience a sense of continuity.  Then life feels stable and predictable.  But also develop your capacity to be emotionally flexible, so when unpredictable events and situations occur, they don’t throw you into extreme anxiety or emotional chaos.

While most of us want and appreciate periods of stability – the absence of significant changes lull us into a false security. Your real focus should be on developing your capacity to manage change.  Remember, you can never go back and fully live or relive a moment as you experienced it in the past.

Family therapists, many psychologists and biologists use the word homeostasis – or a balanced state – as a goal for us to achieve. Homeostasis – remaining stable by staying the same. For example, in the ideal, a family that was functioning in a stable manner could be described as having achieved a homeostatic state –or a balanced state – or homeostasis.

There is another term that neuroscientists (brain researchers) use to describe how we function –  that term is allostasis. Allostasis – remaining stable by being variable or achieving stability by adapting to change. The concept of allostasis, in essence, is maintaining stability through change.  It is a physiological process by which living organisms (includes humans) adjust moment-to-moment to both predictable and unpredictable events.

Allostasis describes the amount of energy you have available to achieve a given task. For instance, the amount of energy you need to read a book is different from the amount of energy required to stand up and lecture to a group of 150 people, and different still from energy needed to hike 3 miles, walk 3 miles or swim 3 miles.  Each activity requires a different level of energy.

When your body is overtaxed and doesn’t have the amount of energy needed for the task, neuroscientists call this allostatic load. You can be overtaxed physiologically and this stress can come from how you handle internal mental stress as well as the stress or stressful situations you experience from demands outside yourself, from the environment in which you live – like reports due at work, deadlines for certain tasks, even waiting in traffic jams or long lines is stress from outside of you.

So, when at rest, you want to have homeostatic balance.

When engaged in any activity, you want to have adequate energy to meet the needs of the activity or to achieve what you want to achieve.  Think of this as your allostatic balance – remaining stable by being variable – or maintaining your internal viability regardless of the changing conditions inside and outside of you.

So, what can you think about and do?

First, what is your attitude toward change?

Is it toward maintaining strict routine and order?

Second, how do you handle change?  By contrast, how do you handle sameness?

Third, what is the best balance of routine and variability in your life?

Fourth, decrease clutter or things that you “save” to create a greater sense of order in your environment.

Fifth, establish routines around time if they don’t exist (e.g., consistent dinner/bed times) to increase order and enjoy occasional breaks from these routines to enjoy change.

Learn to enjoy routine, predictability, and stability (though know it is not permanent).  Know that you will be the most effective when you are accepting of, adept at and put energy into maximizing your capacity to handle change.

Of course . . . the paradox . . . the constant in life is change.