master feelings

For those of you celebrating, I hope you were able to enjoy the American Thanksgiving holiday in a way that felt safe, comfortable and satisfying – even if it didn’t resemble past holidays.

Without question, this year has been challenging in quite an unrelenting way.

No doubt, it has tested us in ways we never expected. Yet behind these challenges is something more. It’s an invitation to be more than we are now.

I believe that throughout the year there are times, dates or seasons that invite more reflection.

The Thanksgiving holiday (celebrated by Americans) is one of those times.

In fact, you can consider it a “GratitudeGiving” holiday.

In the spirit of gratitude – and other values like it (e.g. compassion, generosity, kindness, love), I’m proposing we make December a month of gratitude and giving. I’ll likely start each day of the week in December with “Grati” as the lead.

Despite what each one of us has faced, I also think it’s important to end this challenging year with an optimistic attitude, with our thoughts on what we envision and our actions centered on what we want more of in our lives . . . even if it feels like you have to pretend and don’t yet fully believe it. For now, that’s totally okay.

I have a mentor that often says to give more of what you want in your life.
If you are up for a 31 day adventure in generosity, gratitude, kindness and love, here is what I am proposing.

1. For each numbered day of the week, I’d like you to engage in some expression or action that shows your gratitude, generosity, kindness and love to the people in your life. I want them to be able to be touched by the experience of your sharing. [Or it could be people you don’t know – especially if you engage in charitable giving or volunteer work.]

2. Day 1 would be 1 person and 1 expression or action. So, for today, December 1st, I want to let you know how meaningful it is to me that my work in the world supports and helps you. I am deeply touched and filled with immense gratitude for your interest in, involvement with and the sharing of my work.

3. Day 2 (December 2) would be 2 people, Day 3 would be 3 people and so on. On December 2, I’ll reach out to my siblings and let them know I love and appreciate them. Day 3, it will be 3 other people in my life.

4. Now, you can go back to the same people throughout the 31 days, except you have to say or do something different each time.

5. You could write thank you cards to people who have supported you throughout your life. You could make phone calls, or text, or facetime, or zoom. If it’s safe, you could do important chores for them, cook a meal, run errands, etc. Write a poem, sing a song, play a musical instrument, or paint something. Your creativity adds to the fun and experience.

6. The goal is for people to feel appreciated and “loved on”.

7. So, who in your life would you like to shower with gratitude, generosity, kindness and/or love?

8. Feel free to post what you are doing in the Life You Love Facebook Group or tag me on Instagram or Twitter with what you are doing. I’ll be inviting those who follow me on those platforms to do the same.

Here’s to GratiDecember. I hope you’ll join me.

Warmly,

Joan

What steps can you take, so that you can speak your truth, and be heard?

Through all my years of clinical practice, I’ve found that speaking your truth is singularly the most important action you can take to cultivate confidence, authenticity, and resilience. The changes are profound – better brain health, confidence, deeper relationships, impact and influence on others, and limitless opportunities depending on what you ask for or say. Yet it’s hard to imagine any of those possibilities if you can’t seem to get the words out. This is a theme I will return to in future posts.

Consider whether anyone has ever spoken with you about talking more or about the strength and volume of your voice. It is important for you to start recognizing how it could make a difference to the people with whom you want to connect as well as learning about the impact that speaking up can have on your self-confidence.

Speaking up means letting people hear what you are thinking and feeling. There is one guideline though . . . and that guideline is to speak from a positive, kind and well-intentioned place. Saying things you really mean does not give you license to be cruel, even if you think your newly expressed ideas might help someone else. Remember, positive, kind and well-intended.

If you have been reluctant to speak up, you may be interested in the speaking strategy below. Start by using it with people in your close family or friend circle. It’s called: “Turning Up the Volume of Your Thoughts.”

Like others to whom I suggest this, you might be thinking “I don’t know what to say”. But I rarely accept this statement outright because, in my experience, most people have thoughts in mind and know what they want to say.

Countless thoughts constantly swirl inside our heads, like our own personal radio show broadcasting within. We might hear snippets of songs, provide running commentary about things we see, or replay old arguments—and that’s the short list. It’s not surprising that we keep our thoughts to ourselves since it’s been deeply ingrained in us to “think before you speak.” The trouble is we stop at the thinking part and never get to the speaking!

Now, I want you to imagine that your thoughts are songs. Right now, you have the ear buds plugged in; only you can hear the songs. Now, to share the ‘song’ of your thoughts, put it on speaker, turn up the volume, and share that ‘music’ with others.

My focus in the coming weeks are for you to:

• Make a commitment to speak up more with friends, family, or coworkers.
• Ask those within your close personal circle to help you speak more by signaling you if they haven’t hear you speak.

Within weeks of continued practice, and reminders that speaking up not only helps you, but helps the people around you see and hear you in a different way, you will start to feel the results that come with “Turning Up the Volume of Your Thoughts”.

Wishing you the best,
Dr. Joan Rosenberg

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“Having the ability to express yourself with ease is, without question, one of the most significant factors in developing emotional strength, unwavering confidence, living authentically, and an overall sense of well-being.”

I know we are continuing to live in the midst of much uncertainty.

Given where we are at this time, my strongest recommendation for making your way through this time includes staying well connected to those with whom you are close. Emotional support from others can make a big difference in helping lift you up or helping you feel less alone. My encouragement is also to have you think about the highest values you hold (e.g., gratitude, kindness, generosity, love, compassion, etc.) and to consciously think about living into these values on a daily basis. My own efforts will be directed at understanding, and bridging differences to build connection.

Going forward, I’ll be delving into the idea of assertiveness or speaking up, or what some might call speaking your truth.

Think about how often are you told to speak up, whether in situations of conflict or appreciation. You may sense that it’s important to do so, but, really, what is so imperative about us speaking your mind? What difference does it really make?

Having the ability to express yourself with ease is, without question, one of the most significant factors in developing emotional strength, unwavering confidence, living authentically, and an overall sense of well-being. You tend to feel less vulnerable and be less emotionally reactive to challenging life events when you are able to speak your mind in the moment.

Your voice is a link to your mind. It enables your internal world—thoughts, feelings, ideas, beliefs, memories, perceptions, needs, desires, and sensations—to be communicated.

Your words, or language, generally considered tied to the brain’s left hemisphere, allows you to put words to your experience, which, in turn, is tied to the right hemisphere. As this linking and crossover takes place, the brain becomes more integrated. Putting words to your experiences and feelings – whether in the privacy of your own thoughts, through words splashed on a page in your journal, or through speech expressed to others – helps you to handle your feelings more effectively.

The great news is that an “integrated brain” leads to greater emotional health and well-being, the outcome of which is a greater sense of harmony, emotional flexibility, kindness, and compassion.

That’s what I want you to be able to do – think about and then comfortably express your words, though, ideally, not just to yourself. The people who you care about will benefit, too.

Perhaps it’s already easy for you to express yourself. If so, that’s great.

Or maybe you are reluctant to talk because you were told:

• You’ve got nothing to offer.
• Don’t open your mouth and make yourself look stupid.
• Just sit there and look pretty.

You could be someone who wonders . . . “Why would anyone want to listen to me? What do I have of value? What could I possibly add to the conversation?”

Ironically, you may not know the answers to these questions because you haven’t yet shared with others much about your life. You might not have a good read on what’s significant about you because no one, or only a few people, ever had a chance to learn about and respond to your experiences. Maybe it seems like it doesn’t matter if you don’t share because it’s “only” your life, so what’s the big deal?

Yet when you think this way, you minimize the importance and effect your experiences have had on you.

Here’s the point: If it’s important to you, it will be important to others.

You have no idea what will touch and impact other people until you open up.

This weeks focus:

Take the time to notice how comfortably and easily you speak with others and speak your mind.

Notice also how you approach others when you speak . . . consider especially your intentions when you speak.

Wishing you the best,
Dr. Joan Rosenberg

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How can you stop harsh self-criticism in its tracks, and instead, engage in self-compassionate conversation?

I hope you’ve had a chance to review my blog posts over the past few weeks. I’ve been addressing harsh self-criticism and negative self-talk . . . a habit and practice I am committed to help people stop.

As I have said previously, experiencing unpleasant feelings and engaging in negative self-talk lead to different results. Unpleasant feelings are uncomfortable, yet when felt can lead to insights and constructive action.

Negative self-talk is a thought-hijack of unpleasant feelings, is exponentially damaging and has the effect of “sinking” you or taking you down both related to your moods and to your self image.

Along with such negative self talk, another area of concern is related to how you speak generally and how important it is to consider the words you choose to use. Here, I want to make one final distinction about words that get mistaken for “feeling” words, especially as it relates to my thinking about harsh self criticism.

In particular, I am referring to words that so easily and commonly roll off someones tongue, such as: “feeling” inadequate, unworthy, undeserving, stupid or other similar words one uses to describe what they are feeling.

What I’d like you to notice is that these are not words that describe how one is feeling; instead, they are evaluative, comparative, or judgmental words.

When you evaluate, compare, or judge, you are thinking, not feeling.

If you use these words, the upshot is that you think you are describing how you feel, but you are really engaged in harsh self-criticism and consequently just making yourself feel worse.

Consider the possible feelings underneath these words. For instance, “stupid” and “ugly” may hide feelings of embarrassment and shame. “Inadequate” may suggest embarrassment, shame, disappointment, or helplessness.

“Unworthy” and “undeserving” carry a different kind of weight with even more serious implications – these evaluative words seemingly question or suggest that you may not be deserving of good things or, carried to the extreme, that you may not even be worthy of life. These words, too, often get mixed up with the experience of shame – and the belief that one is inadequate, defective, flawed, damaged, or bad.

It’s a common aspect of our shared humanity to think this way. We know that these type of beliefs often originate early in life and are associated with difficult life experiences and possibly trauma.

Let me offer a suggestion here.

If you have these beliefs about yourself, consider:

a) when the beliefs started
b) who initially said those words to you
c) whether you hear those words in your voice or someone else’s voice
d) which of the eight difficult feelings are associated with these beliefs e) whether or not these beliefs might be preventing you from moving forward in life.

If these beliefs remain active over a long period of time, you can view them as distracters that keep you disconnected from your feelings, stuck in the past, and prevented from living the life you would love to create for yourself.

There’s one more thought I’d like to add here. As humans, I don’t think we get to decide whether we are worthy or not – by virtue of being alive, you are deserving and worthy.

I hope you’ll consider this possibility. Overall, my efforts are geared toward encouraging you to develop a different relationship with yourself.

In other words, I am inviting and guiding you “to be your own best friend.”

This weeks focus:

1. Notice how often you use judgmental or self-deprecating language thus either blatantly or subtly attacking yourself. Instead, shift to
self-compassionate language. Speak kindly to yourself as you would speak to a close friend.

2. Do what you can to stop harsh self-criticism in its tracks. Engage in self-compassionate conversation here too.

Wishing you the best,
Dr. Joan Rosenberg

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I hope you have been gaining benefit from my deeper discussion of harsh self-criticism and negative self talk. I can speak for hours on this topic and would highlight in bright neon lights and blaring sounds how absolutely crucial it is for you to stop engaging in such mean treatment of your self.

Experiencing unpleasant feelings and experiencing the effect of your harsh self critical comments do not have equal effects on you. Unpleasant feelings are uncomfortable. Harsh self-criticism is EXPONENTIALLY DAMAGING.

I want to you to hear this particular message clearly:

Being harshly self-critical must stop.

If you are mean to yourself in this way AND you do not allow yourself to take in compliments, there is no room for good to enter your life and be experienced.

Choosing what you think is one aspect of your life that you do have control over and your life will feel noticeably lighter without these self-attacks. If you haven’t caught up on my most recent blog posts, I would encourage you to do so before continuing. Click here to read “Ending Harsh Self Criticism Part 1” or here for “Ending Harsh Self Criticism Part 2“.

In this conclusion of my “Ending Harsh Self Criticism” blog series, I want to talk about specific steps that you can take to ending your own harsh self criticism.

• Become more aware of your harsh self-criticism or negative self-talk.
• Understand that each time you talk to yourself this way, you are using harsh self-criticism as a way to disconnect and distract from painful or unpleasant feelings.
• Use your awareness of harsh self-criticism as a signal that something harder to feel, know, or bear is trying to make itself known to you.
• Ask yourself, “What is difficult for me to know, feel, or bear right now?” and invite it more fully into your conscious awareness.
• If painful feelings surface, take several deep, slow breaths and then ride those 90 second waves.
• As you move through your feelings, notice any insights that surface (e.g, realizing you are angry and needing to express your anger to resolve a conflict).
• Make use of the insights for decision making, to express yourself, or to take action.
• Approach yourself with more kindness and compassion.
• Deepen your understanding by asking yourself what you can learn from what you are experiencing.

Engaging in the consistent practice of recognizing and rectifying your negative thinking, and ending the destructive force of harsh self-criticism is necessary for creating a loving relationship with yourself. Clearing these challenges in thinking will open a space for you to be connected to your genuine feelings.

This brings us right back to making the one choice to experience one or more 90 second bodily sensation waves of unpleasantness. Doing so allows you to dramatically change your way of relating with the world.

This weeks action step:

For this weeks action step, the action that I want you to take is to follow the steps above to end your harsh self-criticism.

Wishing you the best,
Dr. Joan Rosenberg

Join my group on Facebook LOVE MY LIFE and let me know.  Feel free to share my series with your friends or colleagues as well.