TedX Archives - Dr. Joan Rosenberg

Have You Been Experiencing Loss?

Confidence, Emotional Strength, Emotional Well-Being, TedX

Hello,

As we started this week, I was left thinking about where we were this time last year and the unexpected events that occurred over the past 12 months. These thoughts prompted me to talk about loss and grief – experiences with which we can all relate.

Let’s start with loss since most people associate loss with that of a relationship: loss of a spouse, partner, parent, grandparent, brother or sister, caregiver, boyfriend or girlfriend, cousin, or friend. Loss of relationship may also mean the loss of a pet.

Yet, it’s really important to think of loss in much broader terms. Loss can also include the loss of less tangible aspects of life, like health, mobility, employment, finances, financial status, home, safety, prestige, reputation, status, or opportunity.

The experiences evolving out of COVID-19 and all the related influences (e.g., economic downturn, climate and political instability, social issues) all involved some measure of loss. This also includes future events that went unrealized.

Loss also often involves facing what your childhood was (or was not) or even what your adulthood is (or is not) – and recognizing the difference between what you needed, wanted, and dreamed of and what really occurred.

Dealing with this gap and the losses noted above all involve grief. Grief may not surface as only one single 90-second wave. It may come as waves of waves.

Maybe you are fearful one moment, okay for a while, and then unexpectedly and spontaneously moved to tears again. As before, ride the waves.

Over time, they will decrease in frequency and intensity, and they will always subside. Always.

As you navigate this one-year marker from when the world was asked to shelter in place, know that I want to be here for you, and to teach and provide the tools necessary to feel and understand grief.

Grief can be categorized in many different ways, and in subsequent blog posts I will be addressing many ideas about grief and what I also identify as “disguised grief”.

If you are interested in a sneak peek please check out my second Tedx Talk using this link.

Warmly,

– Joan

Do You Experience Fear of Failure and Fear of Taking Risk?

Confidence, Emotional Strength, Emotional Well-Being, TedX

Hello,

If asked to define failure, loss, or unexpected and un-welcomed change, how would you do so? And by defining what it means to you, and how it has impacted your life, what would you say is your relationship with failure?

What stops people in their tracks from initiating and pursuing goals, is often what they describe as fear of failure. This “fear,” more correctly identified as anxiety, I consider a feeling of discomfort with the experience of vulnerability rather than true bodily fear or anxiety. This discomfort is made so much worse when people who fail to achieve or complete something move from saying “I failed” to “I’m a failure.”

These statements are problematic on multiple levels:

– First, is the misuse of the word fear; in all likelihood, there is no imminent danger or threat.

– Second, when the statement moves from “I failed” to “I am a failure,” the individual is engaged in faulty thinking, bad emotional math, emotional avoidance/distraction, and harsh self-criticism – a “bad” action does not equal a “bad” self.

The most common outcomes follow: feeling worse and withdrawing from one’s intended pursuits. This type of thinking limits the possibility of building confidence and resilience.

Yet, when many experience failure, people may want to stop pursuing their dreams and goals because the result wasn’t what they wanted. And they turn the failure at a task into a judgment that, as a person, they are a failure.

Fear of failure and fear of taking risks is really about avoiding or backing away from the undesired feeling outcome (e.g., anger, disappointment, frustration) of things not turning out how you wanted.

The key to handling failure, fear of failure, and risk-taking is to be able to handle the unpleasant feelings that you might experience as you pursue your goals and dreams.

Failures = Learning Opportunities

I want to encourage you to consider failure just an opportunity to learn since you didn’t achieve the outcome you desired, at the time you desired it.

Keep in mind that success will always involve progress, persistence and perseverance.

This weeks action steps:

1. If you are concerned about failure, think about what it is about failure that really trips you up.

2. What’s your solution to the aspects of failure that seemingly hold you back?

Join my group on Facebook LOVE MY LIFE and chat with others about how you are using these ideas.

Warmly,

– Joan

Why Asking For Help Is Not A Burden For Others

Confidence, Emotional Strength, Emotional Well-Being, TedX

Hello,

In last weeks blog post, I highlighted a number of guidelines that can help you gauge a healthy relationship. These guidelines are meaningful whether they are applied to an intimate relationship or friendships.

One of the patterns I have observed over and over regardless of relationship, is the reluctance to ask for help.

Many people refuse to ask because they don’t like putting themselves in the position of feeling vulnerable and then being disappointed when that help is not forthcoming. Or maybe they believe their concerns would be too burdensome for others.

Which begs the question, do you feel like a burden to others when you ask for help?

Perhaps you find it very uncomfortable to ask for help, believing that if you make a request of others then you are “asking too much”, that your request is burdensome or that you are a burden.

More often than not, people tell me that they don’t want to lean on anybody or ask for help because they don’t want to burden anyone with their troubles.

How often do you feel either way?

Though it may seem paradoxical, the U.S. military, thought of as a symbol of strength, offers a great analogy for dealing with feelings, vulnerability, and asking for help simultaneously.

At the outset of any military campaign in a new region, the planners and strategists consider all points of vulnerability and weakness.

Once they have identified the areas where they lack readiness to deal with perceived threats, they arrange for assistance to supplement their existing resources and strength. They might bring in engineers, crisis teams, special forces, reconnaissance teams, or infantry for extra support.

Interesting, isn’t it?

The act of identifying deficits and admitting “weakness” is what allows them to become considerably stronger – but only if they take action to address those potential vulnerabilities.

This is also true for you as an individual.

As you move forward in your growth, it is important to keep in mind the following three truths:

1. Asking for help is not a burden.

2. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of humanness!

3. Asking for help strengthens you and adds to your emotional resources.

4. Asking for help compliments the listener and leads to your friends valuing you and your friendship more highly.

“Asking for help is one way you turn your vulnerability
into emotional strength and confidence.”

You are not burdening the other person; in the process of asking, you’re acknowledging their importance to you.

Asking for help is really a compliment to others. Holding this perspective enables you to ask for what you truly need.

Additionally, when you ask for help, not only do you feel more resourceful, your connections with others are deepened.

Heading into this next week, think about your needs more fully. Notice whether asking for help might make a big difference in how you are feeling.

Consider taking the risk to ask for help and see what happens.
Warmly,

– Joan

Have You Ever Wondered What Makes A Healthy Relationship?

Confidence, Emotional Strength, Emotional Well-Being, TedX

Hello,

In honor of February being a heart focused month and in response to the upcoming Valentines Day, here are some ideas to consider about what makes a healthy relationship.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether a particular relationship – whether a platonic friendship or an intimate relationship – is good for you or worthy of you investing your time.

Obviously, no kind of aggressive, threatening or violent behavior should be present in any of the relationships and that holds true no matter what type of relationship you are developing.

Think of an important relationship or relationships in your life and ask
yourself . . . with the person (or persons) you have in mind, do they exhibit the following qualities:

Safety – this means that you feel safe with the people with whom you spend time and that the environments you are in also feel safe. Specifically, safety means that no one uses words or engages in any kind of behavior that diminishes your mental, emotional or physical integrity. No name calling, accusations, shutting out, intimidating behaviors, threats or physical harm.

Positive – meaning they are optimistic, have a positive outlook and are well-intentioned in how they relate to and with you and others and in their actions with you and others. Are optimism and being well-intentioned aspects of their overall approach to people and life?

Predictable – this means that you have a pretty good idea how someone will respond to people and life demands (does not include people who: “fly off the handle”, threaten others, get angry and yell at people or kick, throw or hit things when frustrated). Remember, I started with positive first for a reason. People’s actions must be truly well-intentioned.

Consistent – think of this as predictability over time

Congruent – the best way to understand congruence is that a person’s words and actions match their thoughts and feelings – this can be reflected in the simplest of interactions such as a person calling at an agreed upon time. It may also involve more challenging experiences like telling someone you are angry with them, that you are disappointed by something they did, or that you really care about and love them (especially as close to the time that you are feeling it – not weeks or months later).

Responsive – means that the person truly listens to what you have to say – shows a genuine interest in your experiences (positive and negative) and makes a concerted effort to help you sort out your concerns, validate your feelings, generate alternative solutions and affirm your successes. In the ideal, the people in your life help soothe your distress and celebrate your successes.

Reciprocal – this means your experience with the other person is mutual or two-way – there is relative balance between each person’s contribution to the relationship – or understood another way – a relative balance between the give and take between you and the people in your life.

Stimulating – means that the relationship is alive and you feel alive in it. You are in a state of constant learning and evolving as a person. You individually and collectively pursue new or novel experiences that invite both of you to stretch and grow.

Emotional and physical safety in relationships creates a foundation for emotional growth and well-being. If those or other elements mentioned above are not in place for you, it may mean you need to take some time to reflect on your next steps.

These steps may include such actions as talking to the person about your concerns, limiting your time with that person, or if necessary, no longer having any contact with him or her. Challenging? Yes.

The benefits of living a happier, more peaceful and less stressful life are well worth your efforts.

To a peaceful and loving heart.

Warmly,

– Joan

Emotional Mastery: The Gifted Wisdom of Unpleasant Feelings | Dr Joan Rosenberg | TEDxSantaBarbara

Events, TedX, Video

What often blocks people from feeling capable in life and from having greater success with finances, health or relationships is how they handle unpleasant feelings. Psychologist Joan Rosenberg unveils the innovative strategy and surprising keys for experiencing the challenging emotions that lie at the heart of confidence, emotional strength, and resilience.

Best-selling author, consultant, media host, and master clinician, Dr. Joan Rosenberg is a cutting-edge psychologist who is known as an innovative thinker, acclaimed speaker and trainer. As a member of the Association of Transformational Leaders, she has been recognized for her thought leadership and influence in personal development.

Dr. Rosenberg has been featured in the documentaries “I Am”, “Pursuing Happiness”, & “The Hidden Epidemic” w Dr. Daniel Amen. She’s been seen on CNN’s American Morning, the OWN network, and PBS, as well as appearances and radio interviews in all of the major metropolitan media markets. A California-licensed psychologist, Dr. Rosenberg speaks on how to build confidence, high self-esteem, core emotional strength, and resilience; achieving emotional, conversational, and relational mastery; integrating neuroscience, psychotherapy, and supervision; and suicide prevention. An Air Force veteran, she is a professor of graduate psychology at Pepperdine.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

Dr. Joan at TEDx Santa Barbara, California

Name of Site Category, TedX, Video

Joan Rosenberg

Best-selling author, consultant, media host, and master clinician, Dr. Joan Rosenberg is a cutting-edge psychologist who is known as an innovative thinker, and acclaimed speaker and trainer. As a member of the Association of Transformational Leaders, she has been recognized for her thought leadership and influence in personal development.

She hosts The MindStream Podcast, an impactful, practical, and thought-provoking iTunes podcast. She is the author of the #1 Amazon bestseller, Ease Your Anxiety: How to Gain Confidence, Emotional Strength and Inner Peace, and of the forthcoming book, 90 Seconds to a Life You Love. She has penned several articles for professional and trade journals as well as been a popular blogger and the co-author of Mean Girls, Meaner Women.

Dr. Rosenberg has been featured in the critically acclaimed documentaries “I Am”, “Pursuing Happiness”, and “The Hidden Epidemic” with Dr. Daniel Amen. She’s been seen on CNN’s American Morning, the OWN network, and PBS, as well as appearances and radio interviews in all of the major metropolitan media markets. A California-licensed psychologist, Dr. Rosenberg speaks on how to build confidence, high self-esteem, core emotional strength, and resilience; achieving emotional, conversational, and relational mastery; integrating neuroscience, psychotherapy, and supervision; and suicide prevention. An Air Force veteran, she is a professor of graduate psychology at Pepperdine University. To learn more about Joan please visit drjoanrosenberg.com.

TedX

Joan Rosenberg

View Joan’s TEDxSantaBarbara talk from August 20, 2016.